Wayne Nash expounds on the qualities a young lady should have to enter into a life of adventure with a well driller.

In the name of equality, since I generally write for the hairy-legged gender, I thought I'd expound on the qualities a young lady should have to enter into a life of adventure with a well driller. At a casual glance, some folks might think that this is akin to going to the dog pound and picking out a good, tough yard dog. Au contrair my friend, there is a lot more to it than that. Sure, you need some of the same basic skills, like paper-training and the ability to remove a tick from a squirming victim, but it gets more complicated. In order to domesticate your well driller, you will need to have the people skills of both a kindergarten teacher and a philosophy major. This is because he basically marches to the beat of a different drummer.

He may come in bearing flowers because he suddenly remembered it's your birthday (allow a 4 month margin) but, at the same time, be worried about the hole that gave him trouble all week. Don't confuse the two. He doesn't. Take the flowers, thank him, put them in water and be prepared to listen to a half-hour of unburdening. This is natural behavior. Later, he'll ask you how you liked the flowers. Forget the ranting and raving and tell him you liked the flowers. Make a note to yourself to remind him when your birthday actually is. I've got driller friends whose wives can pull this off two or three times a year! "You know, dear, tomorrow is my birthday." He probably won't know the difference.

Cooking is an iffy subject. Most drillers appreciate good food, but sometimes quantity comes before quality. Don't let it bother you too much if you just spent four hours making his favorite dinner and he sits there with a cell phone in one hand, reading the National Driller with the other and asks if you've got any more biscuits. Sometimes eating is a thing to be savored over time; sometimes it is just an interruption in a busy day. Learn to tell the difference.

It is especially important that you develop a fully functioning B.S. detector early on. This is so you can tell the difference between a tale "based on a true story" and an all-out Clinton-style fabrication. Drillers are well known for making their stories more colorful than they might be to another witness. This is not lying. It's just a little embroidery to capture the attention of the listener. He might tell you a story in 500 words, but if you can distill it down to about 25 words, you probably have the gist of it. I thought my wife wasn't listening to me and she explained that she often hits the mental mute button until I get back on track. She hears every word of "I collected on that big job today," but manages to ignore the, "You should have seen that 14-point buck I saw at the rig." It's kind of like muting the television during commercials.

Sometimes he might ask you if you want to go for a ride. To the novice, this might seem like a pleasant, even romantic, thing to do, but beware. Usually, he's got something in mind other than bonding and watching a beautiful sunset -- like three or four quick service calls. If he wants to take the truck, be prepared for a few hours dehydrating while he changes a pressure switch or adjusts a softener. If he wants to take the car, check the trunk for pipe wrenches, glue, fittings or whatever. This will give a clue as to his true intentions. A small goody bag containing some snacks and a book will help pass the time until he remembers that you are out there in the truck.

Now that women's lib, equality and fair division of chores have become in vogue, you may or may not do all the laundry, but be prepared for a lot of it. When washing clothes, remember it's quantity, not quality, that counts here. He'll come in with bushels of clothes covered with stuff that only a forensic pathologist could hope to analyze. He probably won't notice starch and creases so much as clothes that weigh less, don't stand up on their own and are vermin-free. Don't forget to check the pockets. He'll leave the bill for the big job in one pocket, his wallet in another and some walking around money in another. Consider the money a tip, but rescue everything else. Another tip: If his clothes look completely hopeless, offer to wash his truck. Then when he thinks you are really going out of your way to please him, spread out his dirty clothes in the bed of the truck and run it through an automatic car wash.

Those of us who live in redneck country still see the advantages of having the washer on the porch. Don't worry about what the neighbors think. If they can get used to his treasure pile in the side yard, a few outside appliances shouldn't make much difference.

A word to the young guys searching for a soul mate: Try to get a bride before you get a rig. If you get the rig first, it'll shrink the pool of contestants by about 80 percent. Some women just can't see your heart of gold beneath the mud. Also, while it is perfectly acceptable to expect your rig to do it's duty, this is definitely not a good approach to your bride unless you just love to sleep in the truck and eat potted meat and crackers.

One more thing: Send her flowers for no special occasion. It's well worth the investment. Have them delivered at her job for maximum impact -- it'll make all the other heifers jealous. Hey, that's a two-fer!